My story started in 2007 when I met my ex-husband who back then I thought I have met my long life partner who I’ll live with till the last second of my life.
We dated for 2 years and saw each other EVERYSINGLE DAY! Even when it snowed in Amman and the roads were closed we used to take the risk to see each other!
I had a great job that I was envied for, great family, great friends hence A GREAT and perfect life!
In 2009 he got a job outside Jordan, it was the most depressing day when he left. I felt lost, alone and unhappy! By time I got used to him being away for one reason that he’s away to save up for us! After a month of him traveling he surprised me and came to Jordan and asked to meet my family!
The long waited day eventually came and everything went well when both families met and the engagement was also planned to be in 5 days, before he goes back to work!
Before the wedding in 2 months (all the vendors, DJ, Flowers were booked and a huge down payment for the hotel) I suddenly get a message from him that he got fired! I remember when I read the message everything went blur! What shall I do? We are depending completely on his salary for the wedding! What shall I tell my parents? (That I realized after 6 years that they weren’t happy with the marriage and wanted and dreamt of someone better for me in all concepts.)
As usual and as I realized after 9 years that from 2007-2016 All I thought of was him! I forgot about myself and anything else! All I cared about is how to make everything easy and better for him! Hence ofcourse I told him not to worry and everything will be ok! By then I had resigned and was my last month as work! He came back to Jordan down! HOW CAN I SEE HIM DOWN? I need to make things work for him I need to make him happy I need to make things work out!
I started sending his CV all around! Everyday i bought 3 newspapers Al Rai, Al Ghad and Jordan times searching for jobs! (Ofcourse he was at home doing nothing just chilling and his mum spoiling him more and more) .Oh and one thing I took care of his mum and sadly spent more time with her than my mum and used to take her out for dr appointments, coffee dinner etc! When he was fired the first person I turned to was his mum and asked if she can lend me some money which I told her that I will pay for our (نقوط) and once we both find a job (She was very well off and only has one child!) Her response shocked me she said ‘Postpone your wedding I’m not helping’!
One day looking through al ghad newspaper I found a vacancy in a very known company and I applied on his behalf (ofcourse he was against me applying but at the same time he didn’t want to look for a job) and thank god he got the job and it turned out to be in a European country! So he left, started his job one month before the wedding.
Of course I didn’t tell my family that he was fired I Just told them, that the whole company went bankrupt We changed the venue I begged the manager to give me back the down payment I asked each member of my family as my wedding gift to pay for each vendor i.e. light, sound make up etc and I was less in JD 5,000! I didn’t know where to get them from! One night I was sitting with a friend of mine and told her what I’m going through she asked ‘How much do you need’? The next morning I had the JD 5,000 in an envelope! I told her I don’t know when ill be able to pay back and she told me I could take all the time needed! We had the wedding and the next day we flew to the country we will be living in! Ofcourse all the money I got from my friends and family was all spent in getting furniture for the house (the honeymoon was a gift from my parents). Back then I never thought how much saving is important!
My first trip back to Amman I sold my beloved car (my first investment ever) and paid back my friend and paid back the jewelry shop for my Shabkki! Ofcourse he didn’t know all the sacrifices I’ve done for him and for him not to make him feel tight in money!
All went well until our first baby! His mom started intervening in everything! I still remember the first week I gave birth! I ended up with a c section that was a scary painful depressing experience for me! I was in so much pain that I couldn’t breastfeed! The hospital was terrible which made things worse! I could’ve gave birth in a better hospital but I went to a cheaper hospital I didn’t want to burden him!
I went back to my parent’s house and not only was the pain of c section but I had water retention I couldn’t walk! Every single day his mum used to get me visitors and I used to beg him to tell him mum to postpone the visits It was overwhelming for my parents since they had to sit with everyone coming and I was really in pain and not in state to see people! That was it! He went crazy on my I still don’t know why and he refused to tell his mum! Only then I realized that his mum is a taboo!
In 2012, I was in a depression. I felt alone. I didn’t know what to do with my baby and he was unhelpful! The only thing I needed was a FRIEND! The only way to meet people was through him through work coz I didn’t know the language of the country we went to and I wasn’t in any activity to meet people! And he was ANTI SOCIAL! And so selfish that he wasn’t ready to make friends to make things easier on me!
I kept on putting on weight until I was 30kg more from the day of my wedding! I hated my self! I FELT ugly! I took me 5 years to look back in the mirror!
I got pregnant again in 2013 by mistakes and I wasn’t ready! I got depressed and between me and myself I didn’t want the baby! One night I woke up bleeding! Rushed to the hospital ALONE! I LOST THE BABY! It was the worst feeling ever! I was all alone! He wasn’t even there for me! I couldn’t even grieve! I remember at night I was shivering and in so much pain! What did he do? Nothing he want out with his friends and all I needed is for me to be alone and him to take care of our 2 year old daughter!
After a year his dad passed away! And that’s when everything started to fall apart! His mom visited us (that was her first visit ever, none of our families ever visited us) HE CHANGED! He became more distanced and careless! She stayed for nearly 2 months and it was hell! She was the best actress I’ve ever met!
My dad, a wise man, asked me to apologize to him and his mother for Something I haven’t done! I did apologize! I loved him and didn’t want anything to ruin our marriage! I worked so hard the minute she left to get things fixed between me and my ex. And it did! I got pregnant again the end of that year and this time I was so happy and really wanted the baby! I was 5 months pregnant when I bleeded again and when I went to the Dr the baby was 6 weeks dead and had to have an operation to remove it ! This time i came back to Amman coz I needed care and help with my daughter! Again he wasn’t there for me! He wasn’t there when I needed him the most!
Went back decided to put all the pass behind me and focus on my ex and my daughter! I put my daughter at school that I was really happy with, I started making new friends and life was getting better! Middle of the year I got pregnant and that was the happiest day of my life! All I wanted is for this baby to be healthy and to actually stay in my womb! This was right before summer! He planned a beautiful summer vacation for all of us and it was the best vacation I ever had and after 2 years that’s the only thing my daughter talks and dreams of!
In November of that year he went out with his friends and came back at 8:30 am the next day! Yup that was the first time ever! Yup he didn’t answer any of my calls even though I had bronchitis and needed to go to the hospital! That was it! That was the end of our marriage which I didn’t want to face and told myself he’s just stressed and needed a break!
Came back to Amman to give birth! After 35 days while breastfeeding my new born (I was so happy that I was able to breastfeed him) I get a phone call from him telling me that he doesn’t want us back!
I came to Amman with my maternity clothes ONLY! All my and the kids’ stuff are all there and he refused to send them to us!
My daughter ended up going to a child therapist, she went and still going through a hard time of anger and blame! It’s been a year and half and I haven’t seen him nor did the kids! Ive been asked couple of times ‘Are you over it’ my answer is I never got the chance to actually sit and think of it! I don’t want to get there! I can’t collapse my kids needs me they need a strong mum!
Its been a challenge to leave my kids, get back into the workforce, find a job with hours that suits my kids, get financial help from family to be able to keep my daughter at the same level of school she was and to pay for her therapist! The hardest part is the lies I have to lie a million time a day to my daughter when she asks about her dad, your dad loves you, your dad is busy ……..i wish I can just tell her the truth about her dad (Which I can’t based on the advice of her therapist)
Things hasn’t been easy but with the help of God, family and friends life is much easier.
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